Ask the Trollacle: unmaking new friends

Compressed in Coburg writes;

I have a friend of a friend who is grating on my nerves. She interrupts conversations on Twitter and Facebook to share her views on what I should do in a given situation, she invites herself along to events, she uses her friendship with my friend to infer to other people that we are, in fact, friends. Unfortunately, I just don’t like her. I don’t hate her, but I feel no connection to her at all. I respect that our mutual friend adores her, and I understand she’ll always be a part of my world because she and my friend are close… but how do I make it clear that we aren’t going to become best friends too? She and my friend went to an all-girls high school together, and share plenty of bonds and experiences that I’m not a part of, which I see as entirely natural. Is it unfair of me to expect my own independent friendship without her?

We have a real name policy here ‘Compressed’. It prevents trolling. But you’re a person in need, so let’s get to it.

Break it down. This is going to take time, and we’re trying to alter behaviour. It’s not going to stop unless she wants it to. So we’re about making her want to. Ideally without committing a Federal crime, but let’s not rule anything out just yet.

Option one: Do something heinous to her and leave clues without ever admitting it. Fuck her partner. Fuck her pet. You get the idea. Then allude to it just enough so she no longer trusts and then no longer values you, but can’t outright accuse you of anything to your mutual friend. Hide the evidence but expose the anguish.

Option two: the full frontal assault. “We are allies in wanting the best for mutual friend. Anything I feel for you is by proxy. You are at best a source of curiosity. I love and adore mutual friend, and clearly she sees something in you. I’m occasionally interested in what that might be since it isn’t evident to me, but please make no mistake; I’m not going to invest a great deal in pursuing the answer. If the reasons pop into my head, you’ll be the third person to know, after mutual friend and my therapist. But until that moment comes, there’s a ‘no vacancies’ sign on my friend zone.”

Option three: suffocation. You’re going to be in this for the short to medium term anyway, so get as much out of it as you can. Cling. Demand. Nnnneeeeeeeeeedddd. Call her at 3am when your child is unwell and won’t sleep. SMS to ask her to drop by the supermarket and grab a few things for you, when she happily agrees, follow up by texting her your complete fortnightly grocery list. Fabricate some really awkward personal problems and burden her with them in excruciating detail. Just keep escalating until she cracks. Quarantine these strategies from mutual friend. Act as normally as possible around mutual friend. When mutual friend is not around, invite your target around for dinner and have your partner suggest a three way to her, but he must suggest it as the first step in a surrogacy arrangement.

Success is assured with any of these methods – it all depends on time and the level of contamination risk you’re prepared to engage in. Whichever option you choose, when you’re done there’ll be no shortage of bonds and experiences that you were a part of.

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