LifestyleTop 5

2012 Top fives – lamest Australian political scandals

Politics is a bloodsport at the best of times but this year has been particularly bad. I have a theory that it’s because the major party leaders are so drastically unpopular that strategists on each side have decided it’s easier to reinforce negative perceptions of their opponents rather than trying to craft a positive narrative about themselves. Whatever’s driving it, it’s boring.

Please note: this list is transpartisan.

1.    Timestampgate aka what did he know and when

So Abbott’s office sent a PDF media release and the timestamp showed it was sent the day before the story broke and this shows he something something James Ashby jesus fuck just shut up. This isn’t a thing.

2.    Peter Slipper/James Ashby

Look this one is such a multi-layered turd of no consequence that I’m just shovelling the whole thing in together. Neither of these people are credible and I’m frankly sick of hearing about them and their SMSs. On balance, I’d say it’s probably quite a good thing neither of them will ever work in politics again, and neither the Libs nor the ALP come out of this looking particularly good so you’d think they’d stop flinging poo around.

3.    Fun with slush funds

This ‘scandal’ was so boring that honestly I’ve already forgotten what the PM was alleged to have done. Don’t tell me; I don’t care. What I do remember is that the zealots alleging the PM’s misconduct rivalled Birthers and Truthers in their fanatical conviction that this was a major conspiracy capable of bringing down the government. It just … isn’t.

4.    Allegedly Abbott

That sounds like a good name for a terrible sitcom. Did he punch the wall? Who do you believe, Barbara Ramjan or Tony Abbott? Will we ever know the truth? Find out next week on … oh wait, no one fucking cares. This was in 1977. Move on.

5.    Craig Thomson

Remember this one? Yeah me neither. I’ve put this on the list because really, it should’ve had all the makings of a really top notch political scandal. Think about it: it had alleged embezzlement, shadowy union figures, brothels, and a huge cast of nutters. (Remember when Thomson tried to claim someone had stolen his identity? Fun times.) And yet, for all these classic scandal elements, the whole thing was a bit flaccid and disappointing. Which, come to think of it, characterises the entire 43rd Parliament perfectly. Flaccid and disappointing.

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