Ask the Trollacle: Secret Santa

Holiday hamstrung writes:

Trollacle, I have been allocated someone I really don’t like in the office secret santa lottery, and I had an excellent plan to give a gift to the cute girl I am interested in. Help me please!

Holiday hamstrung. Who makes up this shit, seriously? Let’s put the ridiculous name to one side and focus on the other issue. How you deal with this depends on the reason for your disdain for the person you’ve been assigned.

Do you dislike this person because you had a drunken clumsy not at all sexy tryst with them in the cleaning supplies cupboard at the office christmas party last year? Do people in the world actually do that, or just people on television? Did this person have the aforementioned tryst with object of your affections?

How does your office do it? Is it secret satan, where you’re just stuck with whatever crap you’re given? Or is it secret stalin, where you can throw them all into the mix and distribute them evenly so long as you get in first?

I’m just asking questions.

If you can guarantee that the person you dislike will end up with the gift you buy, I’d strongly recommend targetting his or her food allergies. ‘Tis the season for gluttony, you’re exceedingly unlikely to be caught. If it is a shared situation, then make sure everyone else buys crap, then buy something that you know your would-be beloved will like, and make sure she’s first to the present trough.

Or just person up and speak honestly to this woman about your affection. Yeah, I know. Old fashioned of me, but I didn’t say you have to do it sober.

What could possibly go wrong?

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